12 for 40: The Day Before

I have to admit, I’m pretty nervous about all this. Tonight I was driving home from a high school basketball game and I’m thinking to myself, “Why am I doing this? I mean, why am I really doing this? Am I doing it for the right reasons? Does this defy the humility we are supposed to keep in the eyes of God?” I’ve really struggled with that last question, and perhaps that’s because it’s always been one of my biggest insecurities—worrying about what other people think of me, worrying about judgment, instead of just enjoying the moment…just living in the moment and having fun, and not trying to predict the future but enjoying what I have and loving what I’ve been given, from Above and from my parents and every gift of friendship and every bit of love. I have really struggled with this lately, and when we can’t be loved yet become self-addicted, we destroy ourselves inside. I know, I have done it too many times to myself, and this also affects too many others, usually the ones we want to love the most. I have dwelled on the negative and forgot the beautiful that is always around us, and that brings about darkness. And it is not a good feeling—to be in the dark, to be in the cloud that does not leave, the cloud that blocks the sun, the cloud we impose when we forget all the good that is done around us and for us…the good that is God. I have missed that too much lately. I could blame it on this or that, and this or that are relatively legitimate factors and obstacles that do temporarily block the sun. But I’ve learned that there are so many genuine warmhearted people (some near and some far) who are willing to help take these clouds away—that no one really goes through anything alone even though sometimes we can feel very alone. It could be your best friend taking you out for drinks to forget or the homeless woman who says her prayers to God for help and salvation—there is always someone there. I wrote about my dad’s ordeal before, and it is something my family still deals with, and it is something that still wears on me, and sometimes it makes me feel very alone—but there are positives, and there have always been people willing to be there and to help. And I just have to remember this and accept their help, and change my lens to focus on the good, the good that never leaves.

And that is the point of this—hopefully to get those, like myself, who sometimes see through a broken lens to see through a perfect piece of glass, a rose-tinted lens that sees and magnifies the positive energy.

But I’ll admit, it wasn’t until I received my first entry from a friend a few minutes back that I fully believed this was a good thing. I read the entry, and I saw a friend’s love for a fellow friend, and it is a wonderful thing.

And now I am excited for this…excited to see what happens with this…excited to see if this inspires anyone…excited to see if perhaps two weeks or so from now someone emerges from obscurity and says, “I’d like to do this, too.” I’ve already had a few people write me and tell me that although they don’t want to submit this publicly, they still plan to do this, just on their own. And that is awesome! I’ve had people e-mail me and tell me they aren’t sure about 40 days, but that they have already tried to shift their mindset. And that is awesome, too, and very inspiring.

You never know…you never know what’s going to happen. Thinking about the future can be worrisome, but I think if we are positive about the present, that anxiety can go away. The positive energy is infectious, and that is what I, only with the help of friends and help Above, hope to create…