Here is the poem I wrote for Andrew Sakura, my soccer player who died in a car accident on March 8th. It's been a tough couple months since. It's still strange to think that he is no longer with us. I don't see him in the halls, but once the soccer season ended, I hadn't seen him that much. The last time I saw him, he was holding his motorcycle helmet with a big smile on his face. Maybe less of a smile, and more of a smirk that said, "That's right coach, I ride a motorcycle."
There's a lot to learn from all of this, and a life to celebrate. I still tear up from time to time as the intense pain has ebbed away. Still, it never seems right. Today I was blindsided by it again.
I hope that the soccer is good in Heaven...
"Consider the Shimmering Stars"
Consider the shimmering stars at night
Endlessly dancing the Heavens above
Consider we are all brought here today
Beneath their expanding universe of love
Look closely, one more star has joined the ball
And suddenly there’s new light on the stage
Dazzling in acrobatic radiance
A fledgling comet quickly comes of age
Stretching far across nighttime’s paradise
Iridescent hope in velvety black
Prayers to one day reach the comet’s tail
When our thoughts carry us tenderly back
After the sunset winds turn dusk to dark
We gaze into the crisp late-wintered sky
A cherry blossom flutters in our sight
Watching the tears, tears that fall from our eyes
Indispensable tears of sacred life
Water that causes plants and all to grow
Joyous tears, sorrowful tears, tears of all
Cultivate…harvest what we need to know
We too will star upon Heaven’s marquee
When our predecessors give us the sign
Until then we remain here for our friend
Who never let a PK cross the line
Consider the shimmering stars at night
Deciding to give our keeper a start
At teaching us love and togetherness
Just look to the skies, then look to your hearts
***************
Here is a poem I wrote for Wolfgang Wagner, stepdad of Jessica Mulligan, the girl with a heart of gold, and the eyes of Ireland. Although I only got to meet Wolfy once, I am well aware of his love for life, and how he made everyone's day brighter.
“Consider the Rainbow”
Consider the Rainbow in all its glory
Comprehend the hues as half the story
Prism glasses astride the bridge of nose
Dismiss the colors and see how it grows
Troubled earth trembles, topsoil its stem
Bridge into the Heavens, then ground again
‘Twill relate man to man, decade to next
Suffering to suffering, to all life’s annexed
Consider the beauty in afternoon’s gaze
When shade upon shade leapfrogs over waves
Sliding gently ‘bove time hanging below
Stop, consider how the Rainbow still grows
In due time, why do Rainbows disappear?
Searching far and wide, forgetting what’s near
In mornings’ sun kissed dew drops, spot the dance
Note the swan dive sprung off a blade of grass
Consider the peacock ruffling its feathers
Dream of sunshine in inclement weather
Hear the rooster crow early in the night
Now close your eyes and trust your inner sight
Now open your eyes and look through the door
Look for the Rainbow, see tears that it pours
Beauty never without a little rain
Glory never without sufficient pain
Consider the Rainbow when all seems lost
Think of the effort a Rainbow must cost
Examine expense of smile reversed
Conduct a symphony of colors first
Consider the Rainbow, all its glory
Stop. Breathe its air. And finish its story
Drink deeply its nectar, see Him within
Consider the Rainbow, and Life will begin
***********************
Here is a poem for Alison Meeder, my friend who died two Decembers ago. Her blunt assessments of life, her refusal to adhere to social norms, and her ability to always turn up and be there for you during the darkest times of life made her passing all the more tragic. Every day I think of her, and hope she is taken care of in a better place.
"The Winds Were for You"
Baby, look at us
If you have the power to drive us sorrowful
You have the power to lift us up
Like Cimmerian Santa Barbara winds
If they carry your ashes away
And the piano softly fades to silence
And we serenade our soulful thoughts
To the crescendo of your smile
You must know this
Somewhere
Swimming in these
Saltwater tears
Of our hearts
The water of you flowing
In all of us
Help us from drowning
Wild Winds
We face as we confront the
Reality
You did not belong here
Ignorance is bliss
And you had none
Let Virgil be your guide
For what you had to see
And then move on
And work for us
While we work for you
Music faint in late night’s darkness
Falsettos flutter from afar
Gaze out the window at a dissolving star
Capturing the image one last time
In seclusion of heart you are mine
But if you only saw
How this chamber overflows
Something that you wanted to know
Now you’ll always know this to be truth
How friends gather in age and youth
And how you must now fight for us
Help us to control harsh winds’ gusts
Until it feels only as a gentle breeze
That puts minds and hearts at ease
*******************
Here is the poem I wrote on the night my Grandma passed away. She meant everything to me--she defined family.
"Tonight" (Written on November 8, 2003)
Tonight I went to bed a Grandma less
And lost I was in all this mess
Where wanted world and pain on Earth collide
And filled me with a pang inside
A pillar of love and strength and zest
Tonight has finally gone to rest
Tonight I went to bed a Grandma less
...
Closed eyes and opened heart up wide
Looking to see if grandma was still inside
Looking left and looking right
Looking if grandma will be with me tonight
Looking as if looking were the way to see...
Grandma's sweet melody.
Pecan rolls and ginger snaps
Uno games and afternoon naps
Early days of sitting in laps
Has meant the world to me.
Miniature golf and bowling spares
Reunions in ocean and Tahoe airs
Grandma's kiss sews up all heart tears
It has meant the world to me
Tonight I went to bed a grandma less
But in my heart I did possess
An outline of God in the shape of a mom
Grandma, wife, bridge player and song
Sweetly singing into this one last night
Look here naught, forget your sight
Listen with your eyes, taste with your heart
Don't look for me, just play my part
I've taught you how to love like Christ
To make others happy, and lead good lives
I've taught you how to laugh and cry
Please don't sit and wonder why
I can't be with you any more
The truth is I'm here, forever and more
One sweet day we'll meet again
And giggle and smile and laugh again
For now you'll have to love each other
Husband, aunt, grandchild and brother
Pecan rolls and ginger snaps
Uno games and afternoon naps
Early days of sitting in lap
Has meant the world to me
Tonight I went to bed a grandma less
But in my heart I did possess
An outline of Grandma in the shape of Christ
And easy did I sleep tonight.
Till we meet...again.
***********
Here are some other poems I've written about my grandma...
You came back to me in the beauty of the sunset…
Sometimes when I’m running I see you in the sky
And what looks like sweat to others is the forever tear from my eye
I died a death so great last year as I held your hand in pain
I knew it would be so long before I ever saw you again
I long to live the life you led, long life lived so Grand
But really one more time I’d just like to hold your hand
I left your grave a year ago, and for forty days I cried
But forty days was not long enough to wipe the tears aside
Pecan rolls and ginger snaps
Eaten on a rain-filled Saturday
Same was the day we talked by phone
And same was the day you passed away
My heart for your Nebraska Kingdom
I know it won’t be long
My heart for your cookie-filled kitchen
My heart…for you…always
Running from me
Tonight I still go to bed a grandma short
Trying to dilute the pain of retort
Guide me through laughter and envy-thickets
Steer me through whirling-world-wicked
Holding hands until you crossover
Waiting for this pain to be over
Pecan rolls and ginger snaps
Only somewhat savor the same
One year gone and how many to go
Running from me begins the show
Running to you on wood-chipped trail
Erasing visions of final days’ frail
My heart for yours for Thanksgiving time
Reciting verses from Isaiah’s mind
Wind-whipped plains have self-proclaimed
Never to walk this Earth again
Biting cold and stinging gale
Feeding water to final days’ frail
God, our hearts begin to ail
And all the time you stay alive…
Yours the heart that shamed mine
Mine questioning fates and lusts so blind
Yours the one seeing ever so clear
Yours the one today doth mine be steered
Wished want what world worth…
Take me away
Tonight I go to bed again a grandma less
And all my heart’s strife, daze and duress
Echoes in a thunder near
Resonates in unfiltered ear
Drives unreliably in blinding light
Wish I might sleep tonight
Running from me, run so far
Wishful night to see the star
To run to every time stomach’s pit brings fear
And whispers lies into unfiltered ear
Yours is the life I crave to live
To live, to love, to live, to give
So much meaning to so many else
Christmas cookies is abundant wealth
Valentine notes and birthday cards
Raking leaves at rest on morning yard
Why is it I miss the cue
Missing what you want me to do
Lustful heart and wandering eyes
Stop and shut and compose me wise
Upon a time I sang your song
But gone are those days, missed so long
Shamed do I sleep tonight
Blinded by a bitter light
Lift me up from humiliated debris
Mind at rest, hearts’ believe
In a name covered in shivering nice
Inspired lot to good entice
Strength within to open mine sight
Will add sunshine rays to sleep tonight
Tonight I still sleep a grandma short
Running from me—an autumnal theme
Running to you—unfulfilled dream
Pecan rolls and ginger snaps
Awakened by a anniversary tap
Into the mind of a broken son
Questioned motives while on the run
Running from me, a lifelong theme
Pecan rolls and ginger snaps
Running
To you
Running
"G"
Sick to my stomach
Thinking about the box that doesn’t arrive
Wondering if I’m still alive
To the part that is you
Thinking about before the end
How I was a foreigner in my own heart
But not so much as foreign as I feel right now
And I hope I wasn’t foreign to you
For in my heart is you
And although I forget, a lot
I still see you in the beauty
The beauty that is the day
And the ocean waves rolling in at night
When all is quiet
Like a crisp Nebraska morning
That is not so cold
Except when the wind whipped wildly
And took you away from us
Then was the sky ice blue
We stood naked under a cloudless sky
Then were our voices silent
We stood frozen under a cloudless sky
It is how I learned to be a foreigner to my own heart
And how to not be a foreigner in my own heart
For you taught me everything
You taught me family
You taught me love
You taught me fun
You taught me God
And I miss you
Looking back into memory reveals a deep-rooted pain
A fever burns inside of me all the time
It is Hell trying to escape
And leave me to me
But I bottle it in
And I think about how you let it out
And how I let it back in
And I pray to you for release
Because I can’t do it on my own
My life is cannibalism
Eating away at my own soul
Running away from everyone
To escape from me
And this is not right
Purity, I pray for you
There is a dead hush when the phone rings
And suddenly no bird sings
For the news is delivered
We are on our way to the promised land
But only one gets to go
Because the rest of us know
That our souls are buried six feet under
But I’m glad I got to hold you hand
I promise it helped me understand
What God is all about
And I’m glad I got to feed you water
On your last lips
And we waited for that last ship
Of our brothers to sail you hence
It was easy recompense
To pay for…
Because I sit here quietly and wait
…For the box that never comes
Is filled with
Pecan rolls and ginger snaps
How many grandchildren did you hold in your lap
And raise like your own?
One makes the difference
But it is still all of us
For we all have the nightmare
Where we don’t remember you
And so I write so you can see
The goodness in my captivity
It is the gift you gave to me
And suddenly the box is not empty
Suddenly the box is full
And I am not sick
And I can run again
And I can laugh again
Without inhibition
A box like Baucis and Philemon’s
Fills my heart with you
It’s been two years since my heart was emptied
As I waited for you to go
And I know you’re waiting for me
So be patient
But force me to rush
And fulfill your will
I miss you
"Night Train"
Off in the distance I hear the train approaching
And I look out my window to see if it’s real
Sliding open the weathered pane
Opening my ears to the…
Ocean waves
Caught between two moments
Deciding if I can make them
One
The turbulence in my heart
Measured by the feel of the train tracks
Beneath the tires of a car
That has taken me so far
As to know that this train goes on
Forever
But only if I can listen for it
In the night
But only if I can listen for
You
Flash
And I pull the car over
Guided by divine
Roping me to where you rest
Where life is righteously blessed
Where numbers and signs make sense
As I lay flowers on your grave
For mother and me
For You
It is difficult
Over here
To read these numbers
And these signs
Nobody here wants to wait in line
Everyone here moves so
fast
Sometimes I have to
Flash
And then I wait for you…
Patiently
And I’m still here
And I know you’re still here
Whether it’s during a
Summer windstorm in Montana
Or in a
Cool blue late day California April sky
Or in a
Snow-falling Lincoln Saturday cooling my fever
I know you’re still here
If you call late at night
I will answer
If you take my hand down the aisle
I will walk
If you are dying of thirst
I’ll be your water
From the depths of the basement
To the tops of the hats in the attic
From the roll down a bowling alley’s lane
To the last card flipped in a game of Uno
From the first cent of the twenty dollars
To the last pecan roll of the batch
From John to Don…
Simply Wonderful
Simply Life
Simply You
In my heart…forever
*******
This poem was written for a student of mine, who lost his father...
For a student in distress
If I could take away the pain, I would
Some things happen that never should
It’s not for us to understand or to know
How this tragedy will make you grow
Into a man at a younger age
Transformation from teenager to sage
You were chosen for a necessary means
Your life a vehicle for uncomprehending minds
Wandering aimlessly forgetting time
Wafting is a state of sanity
That you’re going to have to forget
And better yet, not try to touch or taste
It’s a waste
You’re on the other side now my friend
Never to cross over again
Fateful hearts conspire to deceive
False memories we try to retrieve
Instead to avoid any further trouble
It’s best to ditch the shovel
Now let’s struggle
To defog this wretched town
Turning smiles into frown
It’s the only way to relax such muscles
That falsify and speed up time
And cover up the holiest of rhymes
This time the music is going to sound different my friend
Never to sound the same again
My heart for yours until your eyes adjust
Hold my hand and bury your heart in trust
You’ll be okay, and you will see him again
***********
After the death of my friend's father, a friend who I had not spoken to for a few years...
Death, an unseemly companion to life
Equalizer, toiler, runner from strife
Untimely frost, yet I could name some more
Frost sun rain speed slow go could we abhor
Unmasked are we when time doth run away
Teared, tall to short, solid to astray
Judgment not come forth, day runneth from pain
Eyes in contact, trouble over, friends again
Mocking jest only at our silly past
Hoping that this truce has power of last
One more time by our hearts must we swear it
Bury past with thee or pain we bear it
On sanctimonious slope we descend
Never to traverse such vile land again
Now is our stage aloft for crowds’ viewing
Righteous, void of self, no misconstruing
What was, is, and will be death doth bare
Like a dove returning home is crisp air
This your heart for ours--iniquitous play
Fearful, cowardly how we run away
Until the casket bring us together
Your death has the beauty of a feather
Floating away, ascending to new throne
Struggle we here, arriving you at home
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